Dirty Limericks

There was a young lady named Claire,
Who possessed a magnificent pair.
Or that's what I thought,
'Til I saw one get caught,
On a thorn, and begin to lose air!

It seems I impregnated Marge,
So I do rather feel, by and large,
That some dough should be tendered,
For services rendered,
But I can't quite decide what to charge.

There was a young lady named Hitchin,
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!!"

A dull lad from around Istanbul,
Discovered red marks on his tool,
Said the Doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick, you fool!"

There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair,
But, then in mid-stroke,
The banister broke,
So he finished her off in mid-air.

On their first night of marital bliss,
The bride sought a genital kiss,
But OH her dismay,
When she heard hubby say,
"Ewww...not in the hole where you piss!"

Sweetie's a talented lass,
Her pix are just loaded with class,
She knows how to cope,
with a jerk or a dope,
She just slams a butt plug up their ass.

A lady with features cherubic,
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size,
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic ?"

There was a young man from Devises,
Who had balls of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was no ball at all,
Whilst the other one won several prizes.

A filthy and foul-mouthed young man
Writes limericks like all-too-few can
Heaps of cunts, shit and cocks
For cheap, prurient shocks
But the fucking things rhyme and they scan