Dirty Limericks

If vodka were water and I were a duck,
I'd swim to the bottom and never come up.
But water's not vodka and I'm not a duck,
So pass me a bottle and shut the f**k up.

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."

There was a young girl from Madrass,
That had a magnificent ass.
You probably think,
it was soft and pink,
But was gray, had ears, and ate grass.

There once was a priest from Morocco,
Whose motto was really quite macho.
He said, to be blunt,
"God decreed we eat cunt!
Why else would it look like a taco?

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night.

There once was a man from Madrass,
Who's balls were constructed of brass,
When jangled together,
They played stormy weather,
And lightening shot out of his ass!

There was a young girl in Reno,
Who lost all her dough playing keno.
But she lay on her back,
Exposing her crack,
And now she owns the casino.

There once was a Senator from Mass,
Who wanted a strange piece of ass.
He lucked up and found it,
But fucked up and drowned it,
And now his future is past.

There was a young girl named Ann Heuser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

A foolish young lady named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.