General Limericks

I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection,
Even if somewhat uncouth.

I've got a tabby cat called Gizzy,
Who wants me whenever i'm busy,
She likes some attention,
But as soon as i mention,
A bath, she gets into a tizzy!

Last year on the road to Redemption,
My journey encountered preemption
With Grace and her sister;
The latter, I kissed 'er,
But Grace had my new tax exemption

Carol had hired a seedy gumshoe
to investigate her husband, Lou.
"Well, all over town
I tailed him around -
But he seemed to be following you!"

A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice,
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him,
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,"
"'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"

The leper desired very much,
A license to drive cars and such;
But the driving exam's
Where he got in a jam;
He left his dam' foot on the clutch!

The limerick's form's astronomical
To fit so much into space so economical.
But the ones that I've seen
Are so seldom clean
And the clean ones are so seldom comical.

Today when I strolled through my yard,
A ranchhand, young Sarah Faye Ard,
Was sunbathing nude,
So, not to be rude,
I stood there and thought long and hard.

Whenever I enter a room,
The ladies all grow faint and swoon.
It's not my attraction
That's caused this reaction...
I've not had a bath since last June.