General Limericks

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Food enough for a week,
but I'm damned if I see how the helican.

A seamstress who lived by the Thames
Made a living by sewing up hames
While her brother in Leicester
Was a wealthy inveicester
And owned some magnificent geames

A terrible poet was Jenny
Whose limericks weren't worth a penny.
In technique they were sound,
But she always found
Whenever she tried to write any,
That she always wrote one line too many.

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
Plus three times the square root of four.
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared and not a bit more.

There was a young woman from queens
who gobbled a plateful of beans.
The beans were fermented
and the girl was tormented
by embarrasing sounds in her jeans.

A perceptive young buck in the Gloucesters ,Yearned for a cold tinnie of Fosters,Rat piss in a pail,With melted down hail,He accepted as clever impostors.

There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

A Buddhist, with great lamentation,
Saw the dentist with much animation.
Despite the man's pain
He refused Novocain,
To transcend dental medication.

Two former good friends, Fife and Cline,
Met by accidental design,
Inquired Mister Fife,
"Hello, how's the wife?",
Responded Cline, "Fine, and how's mine?"

Seven ages: first puking and mewling,
Then very pissed off with one's schooling,
Then fucks, and then fights,
Then judging chaps' rights,
Then sitting in slippers, then drooling.